Archive for the ‘Grown Children’ Category

Journal

Saturday, March 23rd, 2013

I recently came across a battered old diary that I bought decades ago to record the special things my children said as they started to speak. Oh, what wonderful memories are captured here. I am actually impressed at how much I managed to record, as my first toddler toddled, as my second baby squirmed, even as my third child overloaded all circuits.

As My Husband said, the third child required us to adapt from man-to-man to zone coverage…

As I turn the pages of this foxed volume, each little phrase, each unique child-coined term, each recorded episode brings back an avalanche of memory. What completely delightful memories.

From first words…

One of The Eldest’s early words (after the much debated “Baba” – was that actually Mama, or Dada?”) was “Do.” To him that meant shoe, which, for a child growing up in New York City, meant going out to The Park. He would sit on the changing table, reaching out his little feet, imploring us to put on his outside shoes. “Do, do!” was a sentence, an exhortation, that we understood as young parents and translators. “Put my shoes on, I want to go out to The Park!”

To The Girl’s early favorite phrase, articulated all as one word, “IDOIT!” Miss Independent.

How creative they all were with language, how metaphorical, and how accurate.

The Eldest, “Milk is like snow for John to drink.”

How philosophical, “Do angels have feet? Do they need feet, to stand on clouds?”

How scientific, “Is there snow in space? And if there is, does it fall down, or does it just go every direction?”

And unpredictable, I love this one… “I forgot to change my mind.”

The Girl, when asked, “Would you like a cookie?” responded firmly, “TWO!” She was strong minded from the start.

There came a wonderful day for me, when The Eldest and The Girl began to argue in the back seat of the car, “She’s MY Mommy!” “No, My Mommy!” “Well, she’s my Mommy too.” “NOOOO!!”

And this bittersweet and wise exchange: The Girl, to The Eldest on his birthday, “John, you are six.” He replied, “Yes, and I’ll never be five again.”

The Boy, who loved to play Hide and Seek, leaping out from behind the chair after we had been calling to him, “Where are you? Where are you?” saying, “Here me are.”

The Boy, knowing from earliest days how to enjoy life, declared “When I’m a big man I’m going to turn my house into a merry-round.” (Merry-go-round. Okay, can I ride?)

There is much more to read, much more memory-information to mine, but….

Of course I couldn’t keep it up forever… Life took over.

The journal comes to an end long before their childhoods did.

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A Gift

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

The Girl gave me an unexpected gift this week.

A memory from her childhood that is also a memory of my young motherhood.

We were discussing perfumes: she had just found a new scent she liked in the Duty Free Shop on her way back from a visit to her cousins in the UK. (Odd, because I was just discussing fragrances, and the sadness you experience when favorites vanish, with my sister. More on that another time…)

“It sort of reminds me of the perfume you used to wear,” The Girl said, offering her wrist for me to sniff. “We could always tell when you were going out. You put on that Laura Ashley Perfume.”

Laura Ashley No. 1. Now there is a blast from the past. Yes, I loved that scent in the late 1980’s and early 90’s, and the transparent flowered bottle it came in. The Girl remembered it; I did not, until she reminded me.

“I can remember reading the bottle,” she said, “Laura Ashley.”

Yes, “That was the signal I was going out, that perfume,” I paused, “and my party shoes.”

That makes me  smile, because I can remember how she loved my “party shoes’” when she was very much smaller, and we still lived in New York City. The Girl wasn’t even two years old then. I would dress to go out, putting on what a few years earlier might have been my work shoes, low-heeled Ferragamos or the even then-aging Gucci pumps, with their signature clasped “F’s”, or gold bits across the toes. (Before the rage for Ferragamo bow-toed style, that came to be known as menopausal Mary-Janes. A brand even now being re-invented, and worn as multi-hued ballet flats by a new generation.) Once I was dressed and shod, The Girl would come lie on the floor at my feet, her tousled blond head propped on her hands, better to inspect my “party shoes.”

Girls and their shoes begin very early, I guess.

Laura Ashley No. 1. There is a raring trade on eBay for ‘vintage’ bottles of the fragrance apparently. Even for empty scent bottles. I kept those empties myself for a number of years. But perhaps perfumes are of their time.

Can you tell your history through fragrance?

What you wore, when?

My story has certainly had fragrance chapters.

I don’t think I will turn back those pages.

I have a new favorite today, but I am enjoying the memories.

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Cook Them Supper, And They Will Come

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

Sometimes you have to create new family traditions, routines that you hope will have value to your changing family, especially to your increasingly grown up and independent children. I’ll admit it, sometimes these new traditions are a blatant attempt to recapture part of what you have lost.

I recently started inviting my grown children to Sunday Supper.

As you may know, I am currently in the very happy position of being an empty nest mother whose three adult children are living in or around our new hometown. Oh, I know it won’t last, but as long as they are within gathering reach, I will gather them.

Sunday Supper. Here’s my thinking. I can’t compete with their after work social life on Friday or Saturday nights. That would be foolish. But by Sunday they have had their fun, they are thinking about the work week ahead, and their fridges are probably (still) empty.

So I offer to cook them supper, and they come.

With four or five of us gathered around the dinner table again, it is suddenly worthwhile to prepare all sorts of recipes, and they don’t have to be fancy meals.

Terriyaki pork loin, lasagna, roast garlic potatoes, platters of asparagus, roast peppers, and broccoli rabe. They don’t get enough vegetables during the week. They don’t get enough meat.

It’s so fun to linger over the table in the candlelight, as the ‘kids’ enjoy their second helpings, hearing about their week’s adventures, their recent weekend entertainments, and their hopes and career ambitions. Why not prolong that experience?

So I often make a dessert. Yes, sometimes it is their beloved pie.

Recently I made Deb Perelman’s gorgeous Apple Cake.

Part of me believes that I started this Sunday Supper routine all for myself. Because face it, I love it when they come to the house and share their lives with us. I do display some discipline. For instance, it is not every weekend that I ask them to dinner. I don’t want to push my luck.

But last week, after we had let a week or two go by, I received a text from The Boy.

“Are we going to continue with the tradition of family dinners? I miss home cooking.”

I kid you not.

YES we are going to continue with the tradition of family dinners.

That’s my dessert.

Win, win.

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Bragging About De-cluttering

Monday, January 14th, 2013

It really is the New Year now. We all should have settled in, bid adieu to the holidays, made peace with our resolutions, and put ourselves back in harness. Drat, it is real life all over again.

The grown children who graced and disrupted your life through the holidays have decamped by now, back to college or work and their own homes. The puzzle table has been put away. The front hall is suddenly empty of the twisted piles of size 13 shoes and discarded coats and computer shoulder-bags that you complained about. Yes, you said you were going to break your ankle one of these days, but secretly you loved the return of family mayhem, didn’t you? Now it is all tidy again. That isn’t really what you wanted.

The fridge is probably empty too. Doesn’t it seem beside the point to rush to the grocery store almost every day, when there are now only one or two mouths to feed? And admit it, you loved the praise, and the second helpings, that rewarded your annual production of all their holiday favorite recipes. Yes, the poor saps left at home now are probably going to help you clean out the fridge and freezer. What’s for dinner tonight? A dessicated chicken wing and some lettuce?

So on you go, to the quiet January weekend business of cleaning out closets, sorting through the bookshelves, and shredding the sliding piles of papers, bills and receipts that have been cluttering the back of your desk since early December. No one is going to give you any kudos for de-cluttering the house. For sorting through clothes and sending the unworn to eBay or Goodwill, for reorganizing bathroom cupboards, and recycling the last year’s magazines. Gosh, isn’t it shocking what you’ve been hoarding all these months? Out it goes. Good girl.

At least there is a sense of industry to it, and a seasonal appropriateness. In the with the New Year. Out with all that sad old stuff. Let the good housewife in you triumph over the just-a-little-bit-sad empty nest Mom whose children have left home yet again. Go on, brag about your de-cluttering. It’s not easy, being an afterhood Mom.

And then, send those ‘kids’ a letter or a card.

My grown children have made me promise never to stop sending them ‘real’ mail.

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The Tree is a Memory

Sunday, January 6th, 2013

Epiphany.

Three Kings’ Day.

To me it is Taking-Down-the-Tree Day.

It is my least favorite day of the year.

When you put the tree up you generally have fun company. Your kids are home to help, perhaps, or maybe you give a party. Decorating the tree is certainly part of the exciting ritual build up to Christmas, and it’s a real celebration all of its own. But on the day that you take the tree down, it is probably just you. Look around. You’re on your own, right?

But the job is finished. I have done battle with the ornaments, taking them down one by one, sorting them onto different trays, replacing them in their plastic bags, and nesting them in cotton wool and tissue paper, before they are packed into dedicated boxes that must then be reconfigured to fit into the Christmas ornament cartons. It is not a job for sissies.

I made myself stay with it until the last ornament, the last set of Christmas tree lights, the last holiday pillow, and the final pine garland were properly bestowed.

The Boy helped me lift all the cartons up the ladder and back into the attic storage space. Good Boy. Then there was only the tree. I was worried about how to get the old tree out of our shared townhouse with the least mess for the neighbors. Remember, the tree was too tall for the elevator when it arrived, all netted and fresh. Still too tall. It would have to go back out the way it came in, down the back servants’ stairs, through the parking spaces in the rear, and out onto the alley sidewalk for recycling collection tomorrow.

How to contain the mess? We located old King sized sheets (sort of fitting, for Kings’ Day) and laid one out on the floor. We lifted the tree from its stand, laid it flat on the sheet (having first to shoo away The Dog, who thought the sheet on the living room carpet was designed expressly for him to lounge on). Next, the fitted sheet snugged over the top of the tree. We wrapped the corners of the sheets around to the tree as best we could, then taped the ends, and banded the body with more tape, like a giant cocoon. Or a corpse. Then we hefted the tree (yes, The Boy got the heavy trunk end) and engineered our way through the apartment, out the back door, and down several flights of the steep narrow back stairs, all with minimal pine needle spillage. I took the vacuum to the stairs for a final pass.

I think we did very good work.

Of course, I will still be finding pine needles and odd flakes of glitter for weeks to come.

The tree is a memory. Until next year.

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Waning Days

Monday, December 31st, 2012

So what am I doing, in these waning days, as the old year winds down?

Well, I *might* have had a very slow start to this snowy day, with a mug of coffee and several chapters of Barbara Walters’ autobiography Audition.

I may still be polishing off the chocolate from my Christmas stocking, and later today I might possibly make a dent in the remaining rum punch and cheese straws as well….

It is a good thing I went for a swim this morning. Especially since the combination of snow, freezing rain and then more snow that arrived last night has made for treacherous sidewalk and riverbank conditions. Not to mention the brutal wind that is blowing. So possibly I am not running in the next few days.

The holiday fridge seems to be emptying out too, and I do not have any major cooking demands coming up, not really. In our new town there are few old friends. We held no Boxing Day Luncheon for instance. The Eldest and The Boy have scampered off to Manhattan for long New Year’s Eve weekends with their friends. And afterall, I have already cooked standing rib and roast onions, Yorkshire Pudding, Molten Lava Cakes, Christmas Pancakes, and Fiesta Taco Chili….

Even though I may not have much cooking to do right now, I have been fantasizing about potential future entertainments, while reading my way through The Boy’s Christmas gift of The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook. Gorgeous book, with yummy recipes. Now, to match them up with the perfect occasions.

Later today I am going to take myself off to the movies. We’ve seen Lincoln and Les Miz as a family already. I want to see Argo before it leaves theaters, and maybe something else funny… I will walk through the snowy Public Garden and Boston Common towards the multi-plex, and maybe take an early peek at work-in-progress on the First Night Boston ice sculptures. Perhaps The Girl will accompany me.

Here at home I am still plugging in the strings of lights on the Christmas tree. I tell myself we might as well enjoy the brightness of it all during these short days, even though the tree itself seems almost completely beside the point by the day after Christmas. (Is that one of Murphy’s Laws?)

Procrastination is critical here, as I certainly don’t want to think about the worst day of the year – the day I take the tree down. Not yet.

I’ll leave that task to next year.

What are you doing, as the old year winds down?

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Christmas Morning

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

They are all asleep upstairs, my three grown children, though they have their own beds, in their own apartments somewhere else now.

It is their first, and possibly their best, Christmas gift to me. I can feel them breathing.

I always could.

(Tomorrow there will be stockings, and Christmas Pancakes, and presents and laughter. Now, outside… it is snowing. Perfect.)

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Christmasing…

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

We have lived in many houses over the 30 years that My Husband and I have been married. And I have decorated every single one of those houses at Christmastime.

It began in “The Mouse House” in Palo Alto, for that first married Christmas together, when My Husband was starting business school, and I had a new job, and we didn’t have the money or the vacation days to come back East for Christmas with our families. His family came out to visit us instead, and I was a Christmas hostess for the first time. My first Christmas Pancake.

We moved back East two years later, and into to our first real home, an apartment on New York’s West Side. We brought two babies home to that little apartment over the next five years. I put up a tree each year even though we traveled with our infants and toddlers for Christmas celebrations with the grandparents and cousins in Cleveland or Philadelphia. There was a stellar home shop on Amsterdam Avenue and West 79th Street in those days, with a distinctive collection of Christmas ornaments. People would actually line up on the sidewalk outside in December, waiting for their chance to get inside the tiny shop and view the offerings. I added some unique ornaments to my collection in those years!

We decided we had outgrown that New York apartment when The Boy, our third child, was on the way, so we moved into a family house in the New Jersey suburbs. And I had banister to decorate for the first time. We began spending Christmas in our own house then, not because of the banister, but so that our children could come downstairs on little slippered feet, in their Carter’s zip sleepers or Hanna Andersson pajamas, and find that Santa had visited.

Pajamas on Christmas morning are a very important part of childhood. A dear friend discovered Christopher Radko about then, and started selling his ornaments. Thus the birth of my Radko collection.

We moved to London in the late 1990’s, and we occupied three different town houses over the twelve years we were there. All those floors? All those decorating possibilities! And the banisters were sublime. (One thing I will say, about photographs on Christmas morning… children in their pajamas look charming; sleepy teenagers are not as happy to have their tousled hair and random sleeping attire captured on film.) We moved back into the same New Jersey house twelve years later. And yes, I still knew where all the Christmas decorations should be. Now here I am decorating our Boston apartment for the first time. Just an observation: each house has had a perfect spot for the Christmas tree.

There are rewards, and challenges, to decorating against this changing Christmas backdrop.

But to start with, let’s be honest.

I LIKE decorating the house for Christmas. I have always enjoyed collecting special ornaments for the tree, for the table, for the mantlepieces, from the first European glass pine cones and birds I found over by the Stanford Shopping Mall.

I’ll admit that I have amassed a large collection over the years. And while it might be a pain to lug the worn cardboard Christmas storage boxes down from the attic, or up from the cellar, or over from the storage locker, once the boxes are in the house, and in the living room,  I always enjoy unwrapping these treasures. There is a real ceremony to it, unwrapping each piece, unfolding the thin tissue paper sheaths (some tissue as soft as silk from years of hands wrapping and unwrapping), or unpacking the cotton wadding that has cocooned ornaments through the year.

Each packing carton is actually a Chinese puzzle of smaller boxes, the product of my previous year’s post-Christmas sorting logic. Wooden animals? Christopher Radko glass balls?

UK inspired ornaments,

and Santas and houses for the mantlepiece,

garlands and gingerbread ornaments for the stair railings…. In a new home, every piece will have to find its perfect spot. I will have to put the puzzle together in another way.

How is it possible that each year I am surprised a little by what I find in the Christmas cartons? How can I have forgotten the charm of The Girl’s collection of Muffy Bears, in those ever changing annual costumes,

or the vivid coloration of Radko’s Little Gems,

or the Candyland delight of the garlanded banister?

Perhaps the annual sense of surprise is part of the gift of Christmas, rediscovering (at least for this once-and-future-Mom), all over again as if for the first time, the memories and the delights of our Christmas tradition, the tradition that I myself have created over the years. And then there is the act – of decorating the place, staging the scene, where it will all happen. For let’s agree that this, your Christmas decorated living room, your garlanded front hall, and your cozy, beribboned library,  is ‘home’. This is where the family will gather, where the fire will sparkle and the tree will twinkle, as you sip your rum punch and nibble your cheese straws, where all of your family will be filled with the tingle of anticipation, for the gifts of company and thoughtfulness that you will exchange, at Christmas, from under and around the tree.

Perhaps this is even more true in the ephemeral world of the afterhood Mom, where grown children come and go in inexplicable moments, and always at the vanishing point. This is where the new, brief Christmas memories will be made, to add to the historical garland.

I had planned to decorate the tree as a family this past Sunday, while also baking cheese straws, and squeezing citrus fruit for the traditional rum punch, as companion activities. On Saturday My Husband and I visited the storage space we have been renting since our move to Boston in May, and we looked for all the Christmas boxes that were supposed to have been positioned close to the front entry to the locker by the moving men. I found several boxes, each labelled and re-labelled with magic marker, through the years of post-Christmas re-packing and moving house-to-house. I knew that I didn’t have them all. There was at least one large carton missing, maybe two. Were they possibly and unfortunately tucked somewhere back behind the other cartons of books and photographs and papers and children’s furniture in storage until our grown children move into bigger apartments of their own? In the end we took what we could find and packed it into the car. Nothing else would have fit anyway.

Then we successfully located a splendid specimen of a tree, a Noble Fir over ten feet tall, to grace the gorgeous bay window of our new living room. This tree was netted and corralled onto the roof of the car with the help of the tree-salesman, and roped down securely.

We realized we were going to need help, so The Boy was called, and jogged over from Beacon Hill, to assist in the job of manhandling the tree up the servants’ stairs of this old building. It was too tall for the elevator. Between them, My Husband and The Boy managed the steep back stairs, leaving only a small trail of pine needles, in case they needed to find their way back…. With their guidance, the Christmas tree socketed perfectly into the center of the cast iron tree stand, and they had it standing, tall and centered, in the window bay in no time. Gorgeous. There is really nothing like the smell of the tree in the house.

But Sunday brought only two of our three children to the house for baking and decorating. Overnight The Boy had succumbed to a bad cold, and lay in his bed with body aches and chills. He said what he needed most was to sleep. I was so sad to have him absent from my plan, but he’d made a valuable contribution getting the tree into position. He will see it, after.

As I opened the cartons, and began to take out smaller boxes and unwrap the ornaments, the truth became apparent. There was indeed a box of ornaments missing – the box with the Christmas lights!

Have you ever tried to buy Christmas tree lights the weekend before Christmas? I would not advise it. Strings of small white lights were completely sold out at Target, at Walmart, at Home Depot, at Lowe’s. So on Sunday The Eldest, The Girl and I baked cheese straws, and squeezed citrus juice for rum punch (an activity transformed into joyous sport by the recent purchase of the magnificent Breville citrus juicer!), and listened to Christmas carols, in the presence of the sweet-smelling, but still dark and unornamented Christmas tree. You know, it proved to be lovely family time.

On Monday My Husband manfully visited the local hardware stores, and eventually found me several boxes of small white lights. So that I could decorate the Christmas tree, all by by myself.

The tree is lovely.

And I remembered so very many special moments,

by looking at the ornaments,

one by one,

as I hung them on the Christmas tree.

Our grown children will be around this coming weekend, and through the Christmas holiday. They will tell me whether I have got it right, the tree, and all the other decorations around our new house. The Eldest, in particular, has a wonderful way of taking an audible inventory, and counting off all his favorite holiday ornaments.

Or maybe they won’t say anything at all, and I will know that all is well with our own family Christmas traditions.

All’s right with the world.

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Head of the Charles Regatta 2012

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012

The Head of the Charles Regatta is my favorite regatta.

From the beautiful still water of the morning Charles, before the boats even make an appearance,

to the thousands of rowers,

and hundreds of thousands of spectators who line the river bank from morning,

through afternoon.

I love the industry and equipment of the sport, with the constant coming and going of shells and oars and trailers,

and the busy traffic of spectators and competitors along the race course.

And all of this surrounded by the spectacle of New England’s fall colors,

with competitive drama on the water.

Sometimes, when an experience is completely immersive, and hours or days long, and a powerful amalgam of color and sound and crowd  and action, photographs tell a better story.

Goodness, what a way to spend the day.

The Head of the Charles Regatta is my favorite regatta.

(Oh dear, perhaps in America. Because I do love The Henley Royal Regatta….)

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Where do You Live?

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

Where do you live?

That is the question I am asking myself this week.

Yes, yes, you’re right. We sold our family house in New Jersey this spring, and have finally moved into our apartment in Back Bay Boston. We are just about all settled in. Okay, we could hang a few more pictures on the walls, and we still need curtains. But our new life routines are settling into place. Our grown children even come to Sunday supper around our dining table every other week or so now that we live in town.

That sounds about perfect, doesn’t it?

I agree; but then, three weeks ago My Husband accepted a new job.

In New York City.

It is all very exciting. It is pretty confusing too.

So here’s what I am doing this week: I am viewing apartments to rent, and apartments to buy, in neighborhoods all over Manhattan, and trying to figure out how and where My Husband and I could live in New York City. Hotels and rooms in clubs are not a sustainable solution. I want him to have a Home to come home to after a long day at work.

We used to know quite a lot about New York. I lived on the Upper East Side of  Manhattan in the late 70’s, when I worked on Wall Street. So did My Husband. Then, after several years away for business school educations, and jobs on the West Coast, we returned to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We started our family life in a pre-war building on West 79th Street, in the mid 1980’s. But it’s a totally new housing problem, now that we are happily-long-married empty-nesters. We don’t have to think about local playgrounds or nearby nursery schools. We may not even need to think about extra bedrooms, not really. Well, maybe we need to consider a park for The Dog.

Here are some of the apartment-hunting ground rules. My Husband needs a convenient daily commute to work, and a welcoming place to come home to at day’s end. A closet to hang his suits, a desk for his papers, a cozy chair to read in. I need a neighborhood that I will want to be in during the days that I’m in the City, a kitchen to cook in, an even bigger closet for my clothes. Because it looks like we will be going back and forth now, from Boston to New York to Boston, and so forth and so on. So yes, we need a place where we can be together, a place where My Husband can relax even when alone, and maybe enough of a place to squeeze in a visiting ‘child’ or a good friend passing through New York, for a night or two. We need a place we like enough so that we will invite friends over for a drink or a small dinner party. And a place that fits some of that furniture still in storage… Okay. Anything else?

East Side,

West Side,

all around the town.

Take your pick.

In the last three days I have seen large and small one bedrooms, small two bedrooms, in buildings old school, new school, pre-war, and modern. East 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, Third and Second Avenues, or off Madison. West 80’s, West 60’s, Central Park West and Lincoln Center.

My brain is full with competing floor plans and kitchen styles, hallway layouts, lobbies and closet space. Not to mention amenities like bike rooms, gyms, and storage lockers. All in dog-friendly buildings of course.

As we digest the options, we are making what might seem like surprising decisions. We find ourselves thinking of something modern, sleek, and urban, something quite 21st century Manhattan. A high floor with open city views and an open plan.

An apartment unlike any place we have lived before.

A different space for this evolving and constantly different life.

Where do you live?

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